I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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