Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
