Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
