I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
