life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
