Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
