john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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