just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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