the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
