I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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