He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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