bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Barsexuality is the new black.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
