I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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