She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
