i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
