I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
