I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
