i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
