I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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