youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
