There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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