I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
