Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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