You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
