making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
