Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize