my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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