ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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