he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
