Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
