Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
