there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
