idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
