He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
