she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
