They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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