it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
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We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
i think im in europe. pls send help
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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