Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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