He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so let's talk penis.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
