I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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