So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
