why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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