I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
