Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
