His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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