it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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