he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
