If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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