Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
