Pappa wants mamma naked
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
