If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.