Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.