community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .