I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am