a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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