I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
