Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
